The Mockney
by Pjazz
Summary: Jerry's girlfriend has an infuriating M and M habit. Elaine dates a cockney. George thinks he's discovered a cure for baldness.


The Mockney  
  
  
  
A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz  
  
  
  
2003  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. DAY. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP. JERRY AND GEORGE.  
  
  
JERRY: How do you feel about M and M's?  
  
GEORGE: Peanut or regular chocolate?  
  
JERRY: Regular.  
  
GEORGE: I'm pro M and M. Very positive feelings.  
  
JERRY: Any colour preference?  
  
GEORGE: What's the difference? It's all chocolate.  
  
JERRY: Gretchen eats red M and M's.  
  
GEORGE: Just the red?  
  
JERRY: The red. She has this whole apartheid policy going on.  
  
GEORGE: What happens if she gets a different colour?  
  
JERRY: She puts it right back in the bag.Keeps delving until she comes up with a red one.  
She doesn't say anything. But I notice.  
  
GEORGE: Mebbe the red ones are, y'know, less fattening.  
  
JERRY: How can that be? That's crazy talk.  
  
GEORGE: I'm trying to help here. Your girlfriend's the crazy one.  
  
  
ELAINE ARRIVES. SHE SLIDES INTO THE BOOTH NEXT TO JERRY.  
  
  
ELAINE: Who's crazy? Gretchen?  
  
JERRY: Gretchen's not crazy.  
  
GEORGE: She'll only eat red M and M's.  
  
ELAINE: Peanut or regular chocolate?  
  
JERRY: Regular.  
  
ELAINE: I kinda like the yellow ones.  
  
JERRY: Do they taste better?  
  
ELAINE: No.  
  
GEORGE: What happens if you get a green or blue one?  
  
ELAINE: I eat it. I like yellow. It's not like I'm prejudiced.  
  
GEORGE: I sometimes empty the entire bag straight into my mouth.   
  
(OFF JERRY AND ELAINE'S LOOKS OF DIGUST)  
  
It happens.  
  
ELAINE: Gretchen belongs to my gym. I tell ya she's hot. If I wasn't straight she's the sort I'd go for.  
  
GEORGE: Really?  
  
ELAINE: Sure. She looks amazing. She could be a model.  
  
JERRY: This is a side of you we've never seen before.  
  
ELAINE: Oh like you've never thought another man was attractive?  
  
GEORGE: Never.  
  
JERRY: Never crossed my mind. Straight men do not find other men attractive.  
  
ELAINE: Yeah, right. Don't think it means anything because it doesn't.  
  
  
JERRY AND GEORGE SWAP LOOKS.  
  
  
ELAINE: It doesn't! Ooo, I wish I hadn't said anything. I knew you'd take it the wrong way.  
  
JERRY: Does Roger know about... this?  
  
ELAINE: What this? There's no this. And not a word.  
  
JERRY: I swear.  
  
ELAINE: I mean it. Because it's nothing.  
  
GEORGE: Whatever you say.  
  
ELAINE: Roger got some extra tickets for Les Mis. Wanna go?  
  
JERRY: With Roger?  
  
ELAINE: Yeah. Why, don't you like Roger?  
  
JERRY: He's okay.  
  
ELAINE: Is it because he's British? He can't help his accent.  
  
JERRY: Not his accent. It's the constant cockney rhyming slang.'Hey Jerry, new whistle and flute?' Meaning new suit. Who's he think he is - Eliza Doolittle?  
  
ELAINE: It is a little irritating. He's from London .First visit here.  
  
GEORGE: What is a cockney anyway?  
  
ELAINE: Someone born in London within the sound of Bow Bells.  
  
JERRY: I'll go. I'll bring Gretchen. Long as you promise not to make gog-goo eyes at her all evening.  
  
ELAINE: Oh boy.  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. DAY. GYM LOCKER ROOM. ELAINE HAS FINISHED A WORKOUT AND IS DRESSED READY TO LEAVE.  
  
  
GRETCHEN, A BEAUTIFUL KNOCKOUT BLONDE, ENTERS WEARING SWEATY WORKOUT GEAR.  
  
  
GRETCHEN: Hi. You're Elaine aren't you? Jerry's friend?  
  
ELAINE: Oh hi. Gretchen, right?  
  
GRETCHEN: Didn't you date Jerry once?  
  
ELAINE: A long time ago. We're so-oo over.  
  
GRETCHEN: You work for Pendant Publishing?  
  
ELAINE: Yeah.  
  
GRETCHEN: I think I 've got something in my eye. Could you take a look?  
  
  
ELAINE EXAMINES GRETCHEN'S EYE.  
  
  
ELAINE: (THINKS) Yowza! Look how gorgeous she is. Any woman can see she's attractive.  
What am I thinking? Get a grip, Benes. I like guys. I like guys.   
  
(ALOUD) I like guys.  
  
GRETCHEN: What did you say?  
  
ELAINE: I said I....like your eyes. Green.  
  
GRETCHEN: I'll let you into a secret. They're green coloured contacts.  
  
ELAINE: Really?  
  
GRETCHEN: Don't tell Jerry.  
  
ELAINE: I won't.  
  
THEY LAUGH TOGETHER.  
  
ELAINE: (THINKS) Did we just bond? I think we bonded.  
  
GRETCHEN: Did Jerry ever act weird around you?  
  
ELAINE: Pretty much everything Jerry does is weird.  
  
GRETCHEN: Like tell jokes for a living. How weird is that?  
  
ELAINE: I know.  
  
GRETCHEN: Sometimes he looks at me strange. When I'm eating M and M's.  
  
ELAINE: Ah!   
  
GRETCHEN: What's that all about?  
  
ELAINE: Beautiful women freak him out. (THINKS) Omigod! I called her beautiful. Mebbe she didn't notice.  
  
GRETCHEN: You think I'm beautiful?  
  
ELAINE: (THINKS) She noticed! Now what? Tell her she's a total dog. Ah, who am I kidding.  
  
GRETCHEN: Because I think you're beautiful too.  
  
ELAINE: (THINKS) Whoa! Time out. Is she coming on to me? Ok. No panic. I can handle this.  
  
ELAINE: Gotta go. Bye.  
  
ELAINE DASHES FOR THE DOOR.  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND GRETCHEN ARE READY TO GO OUT TO SEE LES MISERABLES.  
  
  
GRETCHEN: I've never seen Les Miserables.  
  
JERRY: You'll like it. It's about the French Revolution. LIke ours only with better catering.  
  
GRETCHEN: Elaine's going?  
  
JERRY: Her friend Roger got the tickets.  
  
GRETCHEN: She works for Pendant Publishing.  
  
JERRY: Hmm.  
  
GRETCHEN: I'd really like to spend some time with her. I feel she'd be interested in what I have to offer.  
  
  
DOOR BUZZER SOUNDS. jERRY POPS THE DOOR. ELAINE ENTERS.  
  
  
ELAINE: Oh, um, hi Gretchen.  
  
GRETCHEN: Elaine. You look beautiful.  
  
ELAINE: Er, thanks. You too.  
  
GRETCHEN: (TO JERRY) I'll get my purse. (EXITS)  
  
ELAINE: Jerry, a quick word. (DRAGS JERRY INTO THE KITCHEN) I think your girlfriend might be coming on to me.  
  
JERRY: Actually she did say she wanted to spend time with you.  
  
ELAINE: I knew it. You've got to do something.  
  
JERRY: What can I do?  
  
ELAINE: Sleep with her, Jerry. For my sake.  
  
JERRY: For your sake?.  
  
ELAINE: Just nail her.  
  
  
THE DOOR OPENS. ROGER ENTERS. HE IS A TALL HANDSOME BRIT. HE HAS HIS OVERCOAT IN HIS HANDS.  
  
  
ROGER: Jerry, mate. Couldn't do me a favour. Can I leave my overcoat here? This New York weather has caught me out. Back in Blighty it's usually cats and dogs.  
  
JERRY: Cats and dogs?  
  
ROGER: Raining. Stair rods. Cats and dogs. Bit of rhymming slang. I'm a cockney, y'know.  
  
JERRY: I know. Sure. I'll hang it up.  
  
  
JERRY HANGS ROGER'S OVERCOAT UP.  
  
GRETCHEN ENTERS FROM THE BEDROOM. ELAINE PARTIALLY HIDES BEHIND ROGER.  
  
  
JERRY: Gretchen. Roger, Elaine's friend.  
  
GRETCHEN: Hi.  
  
ROGER: Wotcha.  
  
JERRY: Better be going.   
  
ELAINE: Right. (SHE PRACTICALLY DRAGS ROGER OUT THE DOOR)  
  
  
  
  
INT. NIGHT. THEATRE. JERRY, ELAINE, GRETCHEN AND ROGER ARE SEATED WATCHING THE PLAY.  
  
  
ELAINE IS SEATED NEXT TO GRETCHEN.  
  
  
ELAINE: (THINKS) How come I'm seated next to Gretchen? It should be guy/gal guy/gal.Not guy/gal gal/guy. I bet this was her idea.  
  
  
GRETCHEN PUTS HER HAND ON THE ARMREST WHICH ELAINE OCCUPIES.  
  
  
GRETCHEN: I'm sorry. You have the armrest, Elaine.  
  
ELAINE: No, no. You want it it's yours.  
  
GRETCHEN: Let's share it.  
  
  
GRETCHEN PUTS HER HAND ON TOP OF ELAINE'S.  
  
CLOSE UP OF ELAINE'S APPALLED EXPRESION.  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. DAY. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP. JERRY AND ELAINE SEATED OPPOSITE EACH OTHER.  
  
  
JERRY: I'm sure you're imagining things.  
  
ELAINE: Jerry, when we left the theater she slipped her card in my pocket. It has her number, address, everything.  
  
JERRY: Gretchen's very friendly.  
  
ELAINE: I haven't gone to the gym in days in case we meet. I feel like a fat blimp.   
  
JERRY: I'll make a move tonight.   
  
ELAINE: Just relax and be yourself. Don't tell any jokes.  
  
JERRY: Appreciate the advice.  
  
  
GEORGE ENTERS. HE'S IN A VERY GOOD MOOD.  
  
  
GEORGE: Guess what.  
  
JERRY: Judging by your smile twinkies are six for a dime.  
  
GEORGE: Even better. Check it out. Hair in a can. (GEORGE BRANDISHES A AEROSOL CAN)  
  
ELAINE: What?  
  
GEORGE: Hair. In a can. Some guy was selling it from a stall in the village.  
  
JERRY: This is black spray paint.  
  
GEORGE: Jerry, only an idiot would pay $100 for a can of paint.  
  
ELAINE: Seems like spray paint to me.  
  
GEORGE: Ah what d'you know. You've got enough hair for two. This is replacement hair therapy. From Switzerland.  
  
JERRY: Like the cuckoo clock.  
  
GEORGE: Totally realistic effect.It's the real deal. I was thinking you could spray it on me tonight.  
  
JERRY: Date with Gretchen.  
  
GEORGE: Elaine?  
  
ELAINE: Roger's cooking me a traditional cockney meal. Toad in the hole.  
  
JERRY: A real toad?  
  
ELAINE: With the British who the hell knows? He also mentioned jellied eels.   
I tell ya, I see an eel on my plate, jellied or not, I'm outta there.  
  
GEORGE: Fine. I'll ask Kramer. You know I expected more support.  
  
ELAINE: You want support? Toss it in the trash.  
  
GEORGE: (LEAVES) You'll see. You'll see.  
  
  
  
  
INT. NIGHT. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND GRETCHEN. THEY ARE ON THE COUCH MAKING OUT.  
  
  
JERRY:Y'know, the bedroom would be more comfortable.  
  
GRETCHEN: Hmm. You know, I haven't seen Elaine lately.  
  
JERRY: Who needs Elaine.  
  
GRETCHEN: I want to give her something.  
  
JERRY: The same thing I want to give you?  
  
GRETCHEN: I'll show you. (SHE PRODUCES A MANUSCRIPT FROM A BAG) She works for Pendant Publishing.  
I've written a novel called Hot Love. I'd like her to read it.  
  
JERRY: Hot Love. Catchy title. So that's why...  
  
GRETCHEN: Why what?  
  
JERRY: Nothing. You know Elaine turned down the Harry Potter books.  
  
GRETCHEN: No! Really?  
  
JERRY: Sure. 'Boy wizards, that'll never sell. Get the hell outta my office'. Her exact words to JK Rowling.  
  
GRETCHEN: You're kidding? Oh Jerry you're such a big kidder.  
  
  
  
  
INT. NIGHT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT. KRAMER AND GEORGE. KRAMER IS ABOUT TO SPRAY 'HAIR' ON GEORGE'S BALD SPOT.  
  
  
GEORGE: Make sure you follow the instructions exactly, Kramer. No screwups.  
  
KRAMER: (READS) Aim. Press nozzle. Don't get near a naked flame. Giddyup.  
  
GEORGE: Here we go. Goodbye baldness.  
  
  
KRAMER SPRAYS.  
  
  
GEORGE: How's it look?  
  
KRAMER: Euuum....ker...powww...booooosh! (SPASM)  
  
GEORGE: (CHECKING IN A MIRROR) It looks like someone painted my head! Omigod. Rub it off.   
Rub it off.  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. NIGHT. ELAINE'S APARTMENT. ROGER HAS COOKED FOR ELAINE. THEY ARE SEATED AT THE DINING TABLE.  
  
  
ROGER: How do you like your Toad in the hole, Elaine?  
  
ELAINE: Which bit's the toad?  
  
ROGER: You've just eaten it.   
  
  
ELAINE STOPS CHEWING AND FORCES HERSELF TO SWALLOW.  
  
  
ELAINE: (HOARSE) Delicious.  
  
ROGER: For dessert, spotted dick.  
  
ELAINE: Spotted what?  
  
ROGER: Dick. Jerry told me you love it.  
  
ELAINE: Jerry said that?  
  
ROGER: 'Elaine loves dick' that's what he said.  
  
ELAINE: He did, huh?  
  
ROGER: Oh I almost forgot. To go with the meal - warm beer.  
  
ELAINE: Y'know, I think I have wine somewhere. A nice Cabernet.  
  
ROGER: No. No wine. Cockney's don't drink wine. Happy, darling?  
  
ELAINE: (THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) Ecstatic.  
  
  
  
  
INT. DAY. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP. JERRY AND ELAINE.  
  
  
ELAINE: You're telling me Gretchen has hot love for me?  
  
JERRY: Hot love. Her exact words.  
  
ELAINE: That's it. I'm leaving New York.  
  
JERRY: Let her give you Hot Love. You might be suprised.   
  
(JERRY SMIRKS, HAVING FUN JOSHING ELAINE)  
  
  
GEORGE ENTERS. HE'S WEARING A WOOLLEN BEANIE HAT.  
  
  
GEORGE: Hey.  
  
ELAINE: Well?  
  
GEORGE: What?  
  
JERRY: Aren't you going to show us your new hair?  
  
  
GEORGE SIGHS AND LIFTS HIS BEANIE TO REVEAL HIS PAINTED SCALP.  
  
JERRY AND ELAINE LAUGH.  
  
  
GEORGE: It's not funny.   
I'm going to find the guy sold me this 'hair replacement' and, well, it won't be a pretty sight.  
  
ELAINE: You can say that again.  
  
JERRY: Hair in a can for 100 bucks. Who'd have thought that was a scam?  
  
GEORGE: Lap it up why don't you. It won't come off. I've been under the shower all morning.  
  
JERRY: Spray it on your face. You can be Brother George from Harlem.  
  
GEORGE: I get no respect here! No respect.  
  
  
GEORGE STORMS OUT.  
  
  
JERRY: I guess he didn't like me dissing him.  
  
  
  
  
  
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND ELAINE.  
  
  
ELAINE HAS GRETCHEN'S MANUSCRIPT 'HOT LOVE'.  
  
  
ELAINE: This is the hot love Gretchen has for me?  
  
JERRY: Disappointed?  
  
ELAINE: You wish. LIke I need to read another unsolicited novel. Jerry, what are you doing?  
  
JERRY HAS EMPTIED THE CONTENTS OF AN M AND M BAG ON THE TABLE.  
  
JERRY: I've removed all the red M and M's. Now Gretchen has to eat another colour. Want the red ones?  
  
ELAINE: Nah. I'm ok. You realise you're one tiny step away from total paranoia?  
  
JERRY: I like to think so.  
  
  
KRAMER AND GEORGE BURST INTO ROOM.  
  
  
GEORGE: Kramer has used my hair in a can to paint his furniture!  
  
ELAINE: What?  
  
KRAMER: Buddy, it's good stuff. Nice sheen. Dries real quick.  
  
GEORGE: Tell me about it.  
  
ELAINE: I think your head's looking better.  
  
GEORGE: You think?  
  
ELAINE: Nah. I'm humouring you. You look ridiculous.  
  
GEORGE: I can't take it back now. Kramer's used the entire hair in a can on his kitchen chairs.  
  
  
KRAMER NOTICES ROGER'S OVERCOAT AND PUTS IT ON.  
  
  
KRAMER: Nice duds. Abercrombie and Fitch. Oh mama. Genuine cashmere.  
  
ELAINE: That's Roger's. He's coming by to pick me up. Don't ruin it.  
  
KRAMER: What's this? Passport.  
  
ELAINE: Kramer! Don't touch that. It's private.  
  
KRAMER: (READS) Roger Hamish Tavistock. Age 35.  
  
ELAINE: Kramer!  
  
KRAMER: (READS) Nationality. Scottish.  
  
JERRY: Scottish?  
  
KRAMER: (READS) Born Glasgow, Scotland.  
  
JERRY: He's not a cockney?   
  
KRAMER: Nope.  
  
ELAINE: He's a mockney!  
  
JERRY: All that cockney rhymming slang was phoney. I knew it. No one talks that way.   
  
ELAINE: I had to eat all that dreadful cockney food for nothing.  
  
GEORGE: I'm starting to like Roger.  
  
  
KNOCK AT THE DOOR.  
  
  
JERRY: It's open.  
  
ROGER ENTERS.  
  
ROGER: Glad your lift works, Jerry mate. Didn't fancy the apple and pears.  
  
JERRY: Apple and pears?  
  
ROGER: Apple and pears. Stairs. Cockney rhymming slang.  
  
ELAINE: Rig-ht. Are there many Scottish cockneys, Roger?  
  
ROGER: Elaine? Scottish cockneys?  
  
ELAINE: Age 35 and born in, say, Glasgow, Scotland. You're a mockney.  
  
  
ELAINE EXITS, FOLLOWED BY ROGER.  
  
  
ROGER: Elaine. Wait. I can explain. You see I've always been a big fan of Michael Caine.   
I thought it would make me seem more interesting. Scotland is so boring...Please, Elaine...  
  
KRAMER: Roger forgot his coat. Hey, wait up! (KRAMER EXITS)  
  
GEORGE: Kramer, where's my hair in a can? (GEORGE EXITS)  
  
  
GRETCHEN APPEARS IN THE OPEN DOORWAY.  
  
  
GRETCHEN: Wow, quite a commotion.  
  
JERRY: Oh the usual. M and M?  
  
GRETCHEN: Thanks. (GRETCHENS DELVES INTO THE BAG)  
  
JERRY: Something wrong?  
  
GRETCHEN: That's odd. There don't appear to be any-  
  
JERRY: Red ones?  
  
GRETCHEN: Well, yes.  
  
JERRY: I've eaten them all.  
  
GRETCHEN: You ate all the red ones? I don't believe it.  
  
JERRY: I don't believe you only eat red M and m's.  
  
GRETCHEN: So you ate them to spite me?  
  
JERRY: Yes. Yes, I did.  
  
GRETCHEN: Goodbye, Jerry.  
  
JERRY: You're breaking up with me over M and M's?  
  
GRETCHEN: That's right.  
  
  
GRETCHEN OPENS DOOR AND LEAVES.  
  
  
JERRY:(AFTER HER) I have a dream. That one day all M and M's are treated equal.  
  
  
  
  
INT. DAY. PENDANT PUBLISHING. ELAINE'S OFFICE. ELAINE AND GRETCHEN.  
  
  
ELAINE: Anyway, I've read your novel, Gretchen.  
  
GRETCHEN: Hot Love.  
  
ELAINE: Ye-es. I see one of the characters is called Eleanor.  
  
GRETCHEN: Yes. The short sultry brunette.  
  
ELAINE: Right. And the other main character is called - Gertrude?  
  
GRETCHEN: The tall blonde who's confused about her sexuality.  
  
ELAINE: How can I put this? Did you by any chance base them on anyone you know?   
Bearing in mind our country's strict libel laws.  
  
GRTECHEN: They're totally fictictious.  
  
ELAINE: Right right. Only Gertrude in the novel dates a character called Jerome...  
  
GRETCHEN: Who is unable to gratify her.  
  
ELAINE: Which is very believable, by the way. He seems very real to me. Almost like an actual person...  
  
GRETCHEN: He let Gertrude down badly. But Eleanor comforts her and their's becomes a true and moving love story.  
  
ELAINE: That's the part I'm having trouble with. It seems a trifle far fetched.  
I think perhaps they should remain friends. Acquaintances even. Distant acquaintances.   
  
GRETCHEN: So the hayloft scene where they consumate their love meant nothing?  
  
ELAINE: No. All that straw. Getting everywhere. And the ticks. My God, the ticks.  
Quick handshake and Eleanor's outta there, I say.  
  
GRETCHEN: That seems a little cold.  
  
ELAINE: And yet so real.  
  
GRETCHEN STANDS AND SHAKES ELAINE'S HAND.  
  
GRETCHEN: If you're sure?  
  
ELAINE: I've never been surer in my life.  
  
GRETCHEN LEAVES.A RELIEVED ELAINE LEANS BACK IN HER SEAT AND FANS HERSELF WITH THE HOT LOVE MANUSCRIPT.  
  
  
  
  
INT. DAY. MONK'S COFFEE SHOP. JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE SHARE A BOOTH.  
  
  
JERRY: I broke up with Gretchen over M and M's. How pathetic is that?  
  
GEORGE: You want pathetic? I spent 100 bucks on hair replacement that turns out to be black paint.   
That's pathetic, my friend. For I am Costanza, prince of fools.  
  
ELAINE: I dumped Roger for being a mockney. What's wrong with me? Why can't I keep a man?  
  
JERRY: Gretchen was beautiful. Is it such a crime she eats red M and M's?  
  
GEORGE: I've got to keep wearing this stupid beanie hat till the paint wears off.  
  
ELAINE: We are one sorry bunch of people.  
  
  
THEY STARE GLOOMILY AT THE TABLE  
  
  
JERRY: In the whole world I don't think there's one person more pathetic than us.  
  
  
JERRY'S UNCLE LEO ENTERS. HE HAS USED HAIR IN A CAN. HIS BALD HEAD IS PAINTED BLACK.  
  
  
UNCLE LEO: Jerry!  
  
JERRY: I stand corrected. Uncle Leo!  
  
  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
******************************AUTHOR'S NOTE*******************************  
No toads were harmed during the writing of this script.  
Toad in the hole is a trad. British meal made from batter and sausages.  
Nothing amphibian. Spotted dick is mainly sponge and currants, usually served with  
custard.  
  
****************************************************************************  
  
  
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